Cyclists

As of now, this moment, right here, let it be known that I am declaring it: OPEN SEASON on CYCLISTS.

...and here's why: I have reached my limit on the sheer number of total cunts who have in some way pissed me off with their discourteous attitude to their fellow road users. I have fucking news for you, asshole, THE HIGHWAY CODE APPLIES TO YOU, TOO! The Highway Code applies to cyclists. I'll tell you what, why don't I break it down for you? Why don't I give you a list? Some selected highlights from the past year, perhaps? And you can tell me, after you've taken this into consideration, whether or not you think I'm wrong to take up arms against this menace.

1 - ON THE ROAD

So last Winter, I think it was this year so either January or February, I had cause to stop by the Co-op on Great Western Road on my way somewhere. It was the evening, so it was dark, and it was raining quite heavily. I got into my car and prepared to join the flow of traffic. There was rain on my driver's side window. There was rain on my wingmirror. There was condensation on my rear view mirror. It was fucking unpleasant. I had my lights on and I was indicating right as a warning to traffic that I was intending to pull out. A break in the traffic. Wing mirror: checked, for all the good it was. Blind spot: checked, again for what good it did me. So as I am pulling out, by some quirk of good fortune, I look back over my shoulder again. In that split second I see a person on a bicycle. No lights, no helmet, ignoring the fact that I was pulling out, oblivious to the danger inherant in their approach to road safety. I managed to stop in time. They kept going as if nothing had happened. The car infront of mine also attempted to pull out and the same thing happened. The cyclist did not even slow down. No lights, no helmet, no regard whatsoever for their own safety or that of other road users.

More recently, once again on Great Western Road. It was night-time again and this time I was turning from Great Western Road onto Belmont Street. The road was wet and shimmering, but it was not raining. The traffic broke and I started to turn onto Belmont Street from the feeder lane. As I was almost through the junction, a man on a bicycle crossed my path. No lights. No helmet. Riding on the pavement along Great Western Road, crossing Belmont Street, without slowing down to look. Had he slowed down he would have seen a car, already turning into the street. Headlights on, indicator signaling intent. But he didn't. He didn't look. He just kept on going, regardless of the consequences.

More recently still, once again on Great Western Road. This was the other day. Early evening; it was still light. No rain. Driving up the road heading west, beyond Byres Road/Queen Margaret Drive, alongside the Botanic Gardens. I was in the lane nearest the pavement with traffic in both lanes moving freely. I passed a woman cycling on the road. No helmet. I gave her the proper distance when passing and went on my way. At the next cross-street, I was stopped at the lights. There was a queue of maybe two or three cars ahead of me, cars signalling to turn right were queued in the centre lane. The woman on the bike emerges, cycling at a leisurely pace up the middle of the two lines of cars. As she was about level with my window, the lights turned green and we began to move off. I had assumed that her intention was to turn right as she had moved to the centre of the road. However, as we moved off she carried on straight and by this point was veering in front of me, moving back over to her correct position on the road. The courteous driver that I am, I waited patiently for her to return to the side and then passed her once more, again leaving the proper distance. At the next set of lights, I observed in my mirror, she repeated the manoever. Fortunately for me, this time the nightmare remained behind me and I did not have to go through the ordeal of dealing with this moron for a third time.

2 - Parks and footpaths

As I'm sure many of you know, every day Sara and I walk our dog on the Kelvin Walkway. We are but two of innumerable dog owners who use this area of park land to exercise our beloved dogs. Every single day, every time we walk there, we are confronted by a seemingly endless stream of cyclists who also use the walkway to get to and from work, or merely for leisure purposes. A sign at the entrance to the Kelvin Walkway clearly states that the speed limit for vehicles - including cyclists - is 5mph. FIVE MILES PER HOUR. Five. Now, I hear what you're saying: "five miles an hour is ludicrously slow". "That's barely faster than walking pace". "If I wanted to travel that slow, I'd just fucking walk"...

AND THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT! 

The Kelvin Walkway is not a cycle path. It is a 'mixed use footpath'. Now, here's the deal. I don't give a shit how fast you ride your bike along the Kelvin Walkway, just as long as you slow the fuck down when you're riding past people with dogs and, I don't know, small children. All I ask is that you treat us with a tiny bit of common fucking courtesy. And you know what? Some of them do. You see, when I see a cyclist approaching and I'm out with Ciara, I bring her close to heel and have her sit in front of me, usually focussed on a treat. After they're all passed, she gets the treat and we move on. And in, I would say, 10% of those instances, we receive some kind of gesture of acknowledgement from the passing cyclist that we have INCONVENIENCED OURSELVES FOR THEIR BENEFIT. In the other 90% of instances, we receive no such acknowledgement. No nod. No thank you. No much obliged. Not the faintest hint of recognition. And you know what? I don't even care about that. I'm fine with that. Just don't run over my dog. Don't you mother fucking dare even come close to running over my dog. Because when I'm down there and you're whizzing by at 10, 15, 20mph and you don't slow down when you go past me and you don't offer up a glimmer of acknowledgement that I stopped MY WALK so that you could carry on about your day... if you so much as ruffle a hair on my dog's back I will kill you. That is how stressful you fucking people make it down there. I can't tell you how many dogs I personally know that have been hit or run over by cyclists on the Kelvin Walkway. We treat you with courtesy and respect, and you throw it back in our faces.

Which brings me to today. To this morning. To the reason why I'm so fucking angry at cyclists right now. Today, Glasgow Uni organised a charity bike ride. Don't feel bad if you missed it, the signs they put up were smaller than A4 size and they afixed them at knee height to one signpost. Here's a tip: there's a reason why signs are posted higher up... IT'S SO PEOPLE WILL FUCKING SEE THEM! Glasgow University, the brains trust, Russell Group, centre for excellence in research and teaching... Glasgow fucking Uni put signs up at knee-high. Those stupid mother fuckers. So today, on my morning walk with the dog, I had to contend not with one or two cyclists, but with a whole sodding peloton streaming down a MIXED-USE PUBLIC FOOTPATH with no warning that they would be there and with no supervision to make sure that they obeyed the rules of the path that they were using. Don't worry. I got a contact email, address and phone number for the person responsible for organising this and they are next on my contact list. I just had to vent a little bit first. Of the vast number of cyclists who rode past me today,  would say their average speed was about 15mph. One guy on a racing bike rode past us at nearly 30. And when I asked the volunteer what measures they were taking to ensure the safety of the other users - both canine and human - she said that the riders had been told of the speed limit. And then she pointed to the sign. Knee-high on a signpost. Nigh on invisible in a light green against the grass in the background. Text compressed onto a sheet smaller than A4. That was the sign to warn ME that THEY were going to using OUR footpath that day. I was also told that there were police along the route who were there to make sure the riders stuck to the speed limit. There were no fucking police.

Fact is, cyclists already treat the Kelvin Walkway like it's their own personal velodrome. Today, it's like they had official confirmation that the sole right of way was theirs and damn the consequences. I counted about fifteen dogs while I was out and a greater number of small children. Both dogs and small children have two things in common: they're unpredicable at times, and they don't understand the concept of a bicycle travelling towards them silently and unrelentingly at nigh on 30mph. They don't have the first clue what that might mean. So I put it to you, dear, dear readers of my blog: Am I Wrong? Because I've got half a mind to go down there with a radar gun and a baseball bat and anyone I catch speeding on a bicycle - I won't even enforce the 5mph, I'll give them 10... - I will cave their fucking skull in. Fair deal? I fucking think so.