I saw this advertised on ITV and felt quite ill. Shortly afterwards I recovered from feeling actually physically sick at the thought of yet more Jeremy Kyle pseudo-therapy and began thinking, instead, that in addition to this program being an assault on the human species, it was a huge missed opportunity.
So, here's my idea for Jeremy Kyle's Morning Surgery.
You start by contacting previous 'guests' on Kyle's show who feel, shall we say, aggrieved by their treatment. You whittle down the thousands of people until you have five unadulterated psychopaths who have been driven to the deepest level of hellish torment and you make a proposition. For five days in a row, they will all, one by one, get to perform surgery of their choice on Jeremy Kyle, the agent of their misery. Kyle would not have the benefit of advanced warning, or access to anaesthetic. The surgery would be performed in his studio and broadcast live on pay-per-view. The instruments would be of the surgeon's choosing. There would be no post-op care. By the end of the week, Jeremy Kyle would be taken to a disused bunker somewhere and left to die of his accumulated injuries with only a webcam broadcasting his demise for company.
That would be the end of that.
And to those who would tell me that it's all well and good removing an agent of pure evil from the world, but how would you replace him? Well, how about this? Instead of paying a morally reprehensible vacuum of human sentiment to psychologically torture weaker members of society, you hire a reasonable, educated, well-trained mental health professional and actually help people. Is that good enough?
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