Royal Wedding Rethink

Ok, seriously I think we should give these people an ultimatum. Call it off. Reschedule it. Put the whole sickening display of obscene wealth on hold for a few years. Wait until the poor have all starved to death or been placed under indentured servitude or, you know, been granted asylum in a more moderate country like, say, Iran. I personally couldn't care less if they want to get married. Just don't rub our faces in it is all.
But I know that it's not going to be put on hold as we all wait in vain for the economic crisis to abate. They're going to go ahead with it, parades and gold and front pages of all the newspapers; taking our attention away from the vast inequalities of our time by showcasing them in a manner so vulgar and gratuitously pompous as to make the whole thing seem like a ridiculous dream.
We do have options though. As far as I can see it, they fall into two distinct avenues of thought. Firstly, we let them have their 'do' but we make them have in a style that is befitting of our austere period. Or, secondly, we force them to submit to a full reality TV-style humbling, Japanese style.
So, let us explore the first option.
1) Venue
St Paul's Cathedral? No. Local registry office? Yes. Yes, that's more like it.
2) Attendees
Royalty from various nations, A-list celebrities, politicians, general top-level scum of all varieties? No. Bride, groom, humanist minister and two witnesses.
3) Attire
Saville Row Tailored for him, ludicrous designer number for her? No. For him, charity shop make-do. For her, I see Primark's finest. Or maybe we'll allow her to rummage throught the racks at TKMaxx. Maybe she can still find a nice dress. But we'll have to roll her in some filth and have a homeless junkie vomit on her before the ceremony just to even things out.
4) Honeymoon
Somewhere nice? No. Blackpool? Good shout, but it's a bit...nice. How about Swansea? Or Hull? Oh yes. There are so many places close to home that they can choose from. Why indeed would anyone want to go to St Tropez when they have Bognor Regis on their very doorstep? Why indeed?
So. That's option the First. Take note.
Option the Second is a little more holistic. I'm thinking how great it would be to have the whole thing live on national television with opportunities for the public to vote on tasks or challenges that the happy couple have to endure in order to progress with their marriage. I can just hear now as Will struggles to annunciate "I do" with a mouth full of termites. We could even liven things up a bit by introducing other people into the mix. Some D-through-Z-listers to tempt them apart. I'm thinking Kerry Katona. I'm thinking Ann Widdecombe. Oh the fun we could have. And if we air it on commercial TV it won't cost the taxpayer a penny. With the cash from the phone votes it'll pay for itself ten times over. We could even run it as a charitable trust.
But we are kidding ourselves. None of this is going to happen. Instead, London will be cleaned up (all the homeless people will be deported to the North) and we'll be bathed in coverage of what can only be interpretted as a big 'fuck you'. And the best part? There's nothing we can do about it.